Doing Hard Things
I did a hard thing this week.
I let myself be seen.
My default setting is withdraw. Hide. Shutdown. Close. Run away. Don't let anyone see you weak. Don't ask for help. Don't be vulnerable. Don't be you. Don't admit you have feelings. Don't admit you are human. Don't be sick. Don't be.
I have not been pretending I'm not under some stress right now. Transitions are not easy.
I've been in a somewhat abusive relationship with my workplace and my profession for a few years now. I've been feeling called to help on a grander scale and I get my energy from connecting with others versus counting pills and answering phones. So I have kept myself trapped in this situation that isn't fulfilling. (Yes, someone needs to do those things... but I Know with a capital K that it doesn't need to be me.)
So here I am. Expressing. Reaching out when my default setting is close off. Protect. Defend.
I found an edge in the last few weeks that I didn't know I was teetering on.
Emotional. Hormonal. Human.
I need connection. I thrive off connection. Real connection. Deep. Vulnerable. Raw. Profound.
I reached an edge where I needed to ask for it. And allow it to happen.
Whoosa... I'm getting some body tingles writing this down. I guess I'm hitting home with myself.
Acknowledging that I need something sets off all those default patterns of “No. You don't need. That's weakness.”
F*ck that. See ya later, programming. I'm onto you.
In the midst of feeling like I was getting taken under by a wave, struggling and clambering to the surface, tempted to just give in and drown, I took the following imperfect actions:
Apologized to someone important to me
Acknowledged that their response was not what I needed
Asked for space from someone else to talk about it
Expressed myself in a safe manner with trusted friends
Kept practicing my mental fitness skills
Let myself cry, feel lonely, and scared
Let myself be seen, held, and felt while crying
Published a really vulnerable post about this experience on social media
Canceled some commitments to make room for more nurturing activities
Kept commitments that I had made when I wasn't drowning, trusting that the more grounded version of me had some kind of foresight that I would need those things
Didn't beat myself up if I had to skip a workout to journal and cry some more
Said no to some things that were for other people
Had some hard conversations that were a long time coming
Heard the power in my voice in moments when I was able to speak and express clearly
Let myself feel pride and acknowledgment in myself for taking these vulnerable actions
Attended a Friday night virtual gathering with the last group of humans I was allowed to freely touch and hug and dance with and admitted how lonely I was feeling
Watched The Greatest Showman for the 5th time this year
Woke up this morning and just let myself be for as long as it took to notice the strength, power, and connections that grew in me this week, this year, and this lifetime
I was always okay, but the difference between now and a prior version of me is that this whole journey took place in the matter of 5 days. A mini-culmination of the larger arc of the work I have done and am always doing for myself.
Long story short, in the last several days of ick, ugh, and tears I took the following actions to get out of it
Admitted I was hijacked and underwater
Surrendered to the wave and trusted I would not drown (even if it felt like it)
Tried to stay in awareness of any additional shame, gremlins, or saboteurs trying to creep in the back door while I worked on recovering
Came out on the other side with a lot of new awareness, connections, and energy
I am often doing. The recovery comes in the being.
I'm learning to be a better sailor in this ocean of life.
I recognize I was never actually drowning but I also know it sure does feel like it at times.
I also have a pretty good understanding of what helps get me out of that feeling and what makes it worse.
Stuffing it down, pretending it isn't there, hiding from it, running away, defending it, and not sharing with anyone else is what gives it power.
Putting attention on it changes the experience.
What is this? Who can I tell? What can I do for myself in the meantime? How can I give this space without becoming it and identifying with it?
I didn't do things perfectly this week. But I feel significantly better than I did yesterday and even when I woke up this morning.
Lighter. More free. Grateful. Connected. Loved.
Really hard to notice those things in the midst of an emotional undertaking.
Growth is not linear, friends. It's super uncomfortable and that's how we know we are on an edge. Sometimes we look over, feel the terror, and choose to do something about it anyway. And sometimes we retreat.
Both are okay. This week I'm proud of myself for not retreating. For getting stronger. For turning this into a gift and opportunity.
And I know I'm not alone. I know there are lots of lonely people out there. Craving touch. Craving hugs. Craving love. Craving, wanting, wishing, hoping.
Keep hoping. Keep growing. Lean in. Ask for what you need. Give it to yourself.
Savor your coffee. Take a shower. Do laundry. Call a friend. Send a text message. Make an appointment you've been putting off. Pet the cat. Watch a movie. Whatever!
