From Terrified to Electrified
Have you ever been woken up by music playing in your head?
This happens to me often.
Today's musical selection? 4:10am. “Come Alive” from The Greatest Showman soundtrack.
So I did what any normal person would do.
I asked my phone to play the song for me.
And I laid in bed and let the music dance in my body.
I get a very vivid, real, and visceral body reaction to music. It feels like pins and needles and tingles moving in my system. Vibrational energy.
So this is how I started my day. December 1, 2020.
With 15 days left at the job I've had since June 19, 2009.
Only 27 days away from my 35th birthday.
Feeling so energized. Alive. Grateful.
And I've got to admit this out loud and to the world – it feels powerful. Amazing. Transformational.
I am not the same person I was two years ago.
Two years ago I was closed off. Miserable. Angry. Resentful. Controlling. Alone. Stubborn. Judgmental. Constantly guilty. And feeling like a complete fraud.
Waking up to myself and who I really am is the absolutely best thing I've ever done for myself. I mean, obviously 30+ years of being cut off from the real me created some discomfort and continues to bring up discomfort as I learn to express myself more authentically.
I could write for hours about my experience, but right now I really want to let myself celebrate a bit. The story teller in me keeps wanting to go into the past, what it was like, the torture, the pain… but I keep pushing those paragraphs to the bottom of the page to make space for this.
The girl I was two years ago wouldn't recognize me now.
I am having trouble celebrating on the page even though I just performed an exquisite rendition of “Into The Unknown” from Frozen II for my animals. The dog didn't even open her eyes and I swear the boy cat rolled his eyes at me... it's a performance he has seen many times this year.
I do want to celebrate. I want to share this. Because I want other people to know it is possible for you.
And right now the easiest thing for me to do is share these lyrics from “Come Alive” that sum up my experience from the last 2 years:
You stumble through your days
Got your head hung low
Your skies' a shade of grey
Like a zombie in a maze
You're asleep inside
But you can shake awake'Cause you're just a dead man walking
Thinking that's your only option
But you can flip the switch and brighten up your darkest day
Sun is up and the color's blinding
Take the world and redefine it
Leave behind your narrow mind
You'll never be the sameCome alive, come alive
Go and light your light
Let it burn so bright
Reaching up
To the sky
And it's open wide
You're electrified
There are so many instances in my life I can go back to now and see differently. I was a zombie in a maze just stumbling through, but wouldn't dare let anyone see me fall. The skies were grey. Everything seemed impossible. It didn't matter how much I did or achieved or how much money I made, there was a constant ball of knots inside that poked and prodded and said I didn't deserve any of it.
I've got a different point of view now. And it is the one I get to choose.
I'm the only one that could flip the switch.
I've gone from terrified to electrified.
I've left behind the narrow mind and I've come alive.
And it feels so so so good. I can't even describe it without tears welling up with gratitude for what I have now versus then. And even then also gratitude for the experience. Because how without having had the lived experience can I share or guide anyone else through it?
It is no longer in anyone's best interest to keep myself to myself for the sake of perceived safety. I'm on a mission to normalize these voices in our heads and empower people to challenge them. We can change our own brains. Our children need to know we can indeed train our own brains to flip the switch, see the light, and stay alive.
So… help me celebrate how far I’ve come.
Tell me, am I the only crazy person that can feel energy moving around inside my body when I’m listening to anything that hits me in the feels?
